The First Big Chunk
The First Big Chunk...will be about my housemate, Satch. I do have a life beyond that, but this is a PROBLEM. My best friend has a psychology Degree and gave me a DEADLINE to get rid of him, as sort of a THERAPY thing. MY mom doesn't like him normally, but does when he mows the lawn or does something for me. My friends think he is the latest 'Boy Toy', which couldn't bee further from the truth. I will post here, the S Blog. I have been keeping it in my comp. Some might have been erased at different times as he is an IT guy and works on my comp- so it is me if anything is missing. The Computer/Star Trek girl goes up against the IT Guy and loses.
After this 'journal', which has already been written, has had a chance for some people to read it, this will become a normal blog. Beleive me, I have enough to say.
Read this with a grain of salt. I am normally strong and level-headed. Here is a saga (saga? a little over the top), of a strong person - even with strong friends and family- Drowning.
It Begins here:
Satch has lived with me twice. Once as a 'Normal Housemate', He wanted away from his GF or she wanted away from him- the truth is a bit topsy turvy in this sitch. The second time, he came over to reformat my older comp for my daughter. The downloads were going to take a long time. While waiting, we went out to eat and out to a bar. He bought me shots when he knows I only drink beer. This is a scenario I would hear from his past GF. Nonetheless, the next day, he was moved back in, after a span of well over a year, maybe 2 years. This time, we were to be more than housemates. This is what I have had to endure since.
He must have moved in sometimme in February. During February, he was attentive to me, but kept a separate bedroom in the basement. Eventually, he would have a younger girl visit. I knew they were having sex, but having no hold on him, I ignored it. I, myself, still had a life with 'untied ends'.
Being suspicious, I read his Instant Messanger logs. He was indeed trying to get back together with the GF he had left. I eventually messaged her and she said she had no intention of taking back up with him and we exchanged information. He found this out, somehow, either throough her or by analysing the computer. He was furious. Doesn't matter, I was misled. Keep in mind, he can be bitchy, psychologically controlling, argue himself out of anything and turn it on anyone he chooses- but he is not violent. The psychological warfare is enough.
I did not start this journal immediately. I should have. I am stuck in a place where no one should be. I have asked for help from friends and family. They do not fully understand my psychological dilemma.
"Tell him to move" is not what I am looking for. I have told him to move. Over and over and he argues me out of it, even in the presence of friends. I need some other solution. Following, is my REAL journal.
Let’s say about March 31- April 3 (sat, sun,mon)
The, what they call, at least the old people do, ‘the unmitigated gall’. He came up close to me and whispered “I think of you when I’m when with her.” WTF kind of a turnip truck did he think I fell off of? If that were true, he would have spent some time with me, intimately, and less time with her thinking of me. Absolute bullshit. The idea that he would try something so trite on me. It was not only stupid, it HURT. HURT so BAD and LOUD that he would try to play with my mind that way. Why I didn’t give him a good hook up the chin at that very moment speaks to my ability to restrain myself. I would have rather enjoyed seeing him out cold for a couple seconds.
That same night, he did drag out of me, somehow, “You make me feel like shit”. Not extremely eloquent or precise, but something. Something, when I felt it was an absolute no-no to show my feelings. I cried. I think his hug was real. Or at least real in the sense that he was trying to comfort someone who was upset in general. Not that he particularly cared it was me. It is unfathomable that he thinks I think ‘he is just not good enough’. Sophistry at play, I believe. Or, he said, ‘a fair weathered fan’. Right before I went up to bed, there was another hug. I felt a little more comfortable, but he says “Don’t hurt me, I’ve been wounded.” Like I could ever hurt him. Sophistry or something practiced he has said before to others, I am really not sure.
When I woke him up to go to the movies. I know his hand beckoned me to lay down with him. Snuggle kind of thing. I froze. His past behavior has caused me to freeze up at various moments like this. I pushed myself and sort of curled about his chest, almost upside down. Kind of an awkward way to lay, but that was really the best I could do. However, I relaxed. It had been awhile since I could around him. He had hugged me a couple times in the last couple weeks, but it had felt so forced that I had tensed up. This time I relaxed. I actually felt so relaxed that I felt light. It was only a few minutes. But, I let my fears go. I let everything bad about this go.
The movies. I still don’t know if he really wanted to go with me or if it was the same as the sub thing. Different guys are different. One will take me to the movies if they feel it will placate me, another a $600 suite at the casino. It’s all one in the same. He never saw that he had never asked me to go anywhere with him before other than Mike’s subs or out the one night before he moved back in here. He just doesn’t see these things. Or does and doesn’t really care, Who knows?
It was an experience to see that movie with him. It will likely be one of the best movies I have ever seen. A muscle in my lower back kept hurting and I moved about quite a bit, I tried to hide it, lol.
But here it is again. Couple days after. Nothing. I really don’t know if K was here last night or tonight. I have to do laundry soon, so I may come to that conclusion. Regardless, again, K is not the problem. The problem is lack of physical and emotional attention from him to me. I am not jealous of people. I have too high of an opinion of myself, lol. It is being jealous of time and what I could have done with said time. Jealous of what could have happened and did not happen. I am more than capable of separating relationships. But if one has nothing to separate? What then? It is the absence of something that causes the problem.
With this, I am not a patient person. Not patient for one second. He has mentioned that he is not patient, but for other things. I am not patient for flirting, interaction with the opposite sex, intimacy. If I have someone already living here that I am attracted to, WTF is the big holdup?? And he will say he is here to be a ‘boytoy’ or somesuch. That is not the case, that is not the case at all. And He Is not ‘not good enough’ at the drop of a hat. Quite the contrary. But is difficult for me even to type.
This would be a horrible emotional outburst. Definitely not allowed. Extremely irrational and especially not sanctioned. But I am going to write it. I will write how I feel. At least it won’t just be in my mind. It doesn’t matter anyway. He’s buying a motorcycle and moving south or joining the army, so who cares? He will be gone and I will get over it.
He had me then. And he sooo had me when he lived here the first time, but I couldn’t get through his attachment to E.
Wow, that was a first. I was totally floored. Humbling, that I couldn’t flirt or do anything enough to get anywhere. That was a complete first. Don’t think that happened with any guy ever before.
It was unimaginable, but it happened.
Fuck. And here he comes again. No wonder I have horrible anxieties. But I have made a little progress, I think. With sharing my feelings. Not necessarily with him at all.
The night before he moved in, I was in the kitchen, getting my coat because we were going out and he came up behind me and hugged me a little and kissed my cheek. That was something I thought would never happen.
And there was sex after that. Hard sex, like I like, but missing a bunch of stuff. However, feeling it, really feeling it was something I could hold and remember in my mind. I was still so inhibited though,
The last time, when I came home from karaoke, was better. Finally, the full, deep kiss. I thought I would go bonkers soon, without that. The thing he ‘saves’ he said. Whether he meant it for me or was just feeling lonely I’m not sure. I remember him saying “You came a little then, didn’t you?” I said yes, but I hadn’t, I lied. It wasn’t a real lie though, I felt good enough- as if I had cum. There might have been things I had done in the past or touched him here or there, but my mind blocks it
Ok,back to the present. I would do anything for him. And that is my Achilles heel. I will make poor decisions because of him. I will be hurt because he ignores me and I will be hurt when he leaves.
I think, that trying to kick him out was a cry for help. Both times. The first time I told everyone I knew. They all promised to show up and help me. Chris showed up, but he is not formidable help. And when I say help, I mean emotional help. It was not in anyone else’s schedule at the right time.
The second time, I told no one. It didn’t work either. Likley because I don’t want him to go.
And if I am asking for help, what is the way to fix it? It is help in my emotional state. He’s not helping. I’m not helping. Friends can’t help. Sometimes I’m happy and sometimes I am absolutely fucking miserable.
And is this all because he needs a place to live for free? I will never fucking know.
It will either get better or it will get worse.
I only hope it gets better. If it gets worse, my survival instinct will kick in and my mom and Michael will remove him from the house when I am not here. That will work best.
But, that is sometime in the future. We will see what happens.
Next blog: (this is Tuesday)
Oh for the love of god. Laundry. Yep. She’s here. When I went down the first time, looked lke only satch sleeping. Had to go up and back down looking for laundry soap. When I came back down, she’s there dressing. I was all ‘excuse me’, ‘pardon me’. Jeez.
She’s here a couple times a week, not that much at all he said. Though I believe it’s been more. And FUCK it’s not her. It’s him still not spending that kind of time with me.
And the trite little idiot with “I think of you when I’m with her”. My FUCKING ASS.
We’ll Write About the 4th of April Through Maybe the Next Few Days
Allright, well. He fixed my glasses. I mean they were shot to hell and bent up from being thrown in my purse and I think they sit better on my face now than when I left the eye dr. And he fnished the Children of Men disk for me.
But I can see what’s coming. It will just happen all over again. He’ll ignore me, I’ll become irritated over time. Then I’ll have a fit. So, one would think if you know what is going to happen and it isn’t a good thing, you would take steps to stop it. He told me to tell him things one by one, as they happen, but he’s talking about laundry and god only knows what else. I can’t make him want to spend time with me and therefore he likely won’t.
It’s so ridiculous and embarrassing that I let myself get into this situation, I can’t even tell my psychiatrist. Dr. R would just tell me to get rid of him if it is causing me this much difficulty. Like any normal person would. I don’t need his degrees from Harvard and John’s Hopkins to tell me that. However, I picked Dr. R because of just how smart he is. Maybe I should ask him. Well, we’ll see if I can. I have an appointment in half hour. 300K spent on medical school so he can listen to me bitch and I get to pay him for the priviledge. I will attempt to get my money’s worth. And ask for some regular ambien while I’m at it. Ambien CR gives me nightmares.
Later On the 4th
Had a 10:45 appt to see Dr. R, at 11:49 I hadn’t yet been called. So, had a fit on the receptionist. I told her my boss will be angrier with me the later I am (definition: Paul will whine like a baby) and I will likely have an anxiety attack which kind of defeats the whole purpose of me seeing my psychiatrist. She apologized that he was running behind and would I like to reschedule? Yes I rescheduled for the first week of May. Idiots.
So it’s Wednesday, my late night at work. Get home about 8:30. Satch is in the office playng MXO. I do dishes, I straighten up. He comes out and says something about drinking 2 of my beers and that he bought more and there is some left. He talks about the pool and the whole yard set up for it. I am glad he has read the cleaning thing I put up on the fridge.
I tell him I need the comp in a bit. So, is this what I should be doing? Asking for the comp puts him downstairs and me in here. Or should I just plop myself down in here while he plays his game? I haven’t the nerves to EVER just go downstairs again, uninvited. I don’t think. So I think that is out.
A few minutes ago he drove away. I will know by how long he is gone, I think. I think it has been almost every day. Except for Sat night and Sunday in the day. Still not sure about Sunday night. Yes Monday night and yes Tuesday night. Shall we go for three?
Maybe this is here so I can go back over it and know I haven’t lost my mind, when I can’t take it anymore. So I know that I waited. Hmm…he’s pulling in now. Only about 10 minutes He comes into the office and says he hopes the movie works.
He’s cold. He comes up behind and me and sort of hugs me saying I am warm and he is always cold, especially since he as just come in. It’s about 35 degrees out. An unseasonable cold spell. And I try not to freeze up. I don’t think I do.
And he goes back downstairs.
No one said this would be easy. Actually, it will likely be especially hard if it’s.the ‘In the Bayou’ thing. I am actually pretty sure that it is. I don’t want to get into that right now.
I am going to stop trying to explain this to anyone. I leave my words pretty short, to say Nan and Sal and my mom. He’s doing fine. It’s better. It’s pretty much what people want to hear anyway. Sal will call him a ‘boy toy’. Nan will want to lump him in general with all men, who, couldn’t make a female happy if given drawings and text or even screaming tirades. My mom will not understand at all but eventually say ‘as long as you’re happy’. And she doesn’t even understand what it is I am happy or unahappy with..
But, I am absolutely certain everything happens for a reason. All of the people in my life. A reason. All f the strange paths I have gone down without realizing until I was well on my way. Everything has led to something. But that is a whole other discussion.
Am I depressed? It is a question that goes through my mind. However, I laugh so much throughout the course of the day, I find it highly unlikely. Dr. R finds it highly unlikely as well. He actually likes to study what I say and do and how I feel. “High functioning”. “High IQ” . “Neuorons firing too fast, too much”. Not misfiring and no chemicals in a disproportionate amount. I told him I wanted copies of my MRIs and Cat Scans, I want to frame them. He said he would get small copies. I would have had them had I been able to see him today. Unfortunately, I didn’t dream about the too long wait at his office or I might not have gone. That will make him laugh. I also wanted to see about the wait at the Sleep Center . Shouldn’t be long now. Three days of sleep. Now that will be good. Well, mainly. They want to take readings, another cat scan and they want a dream journal. It took me telling Dr. R about the day the power would go out at Lifetime on
Sweet Home Rd and they would tell him not to come in. That I also dreamt that even though they told him not to come in to take his pages very seriously. It was a week before. It was a week before it happened and happen it did. Of course. It was ‘that kind’ of dream, where I woke up exhausted. Now, I keep my journal for him, when I can remember. I was going to tell him about the importance of 3:05 pm today. I guess I will have to email him.
Ok, went off track. This is not the psychic dream blog.
What was I think about before…actually most of the day. I have to get laid. It’s been…it’s been since the last time I was with Satch when I came home from Karaoke. Yeah. That is awhile. I’m getting around sleeping with Terry. Terry’s needs are getting so odd that intercourse is not even necessary anymore. That’s a good thing. He wants a dildo or vibrator in him or me wearing one and putting it in him. He has recently expressed the want to be spanked. Hurt. He asked me if I would draw blood. ??? I said no. I will not do that. But I brushed up on dominance and pain and WaLa! No need for intercourse.
I put myself in this situation too. I told Mets to go to hell. I broke it off gently with DarkViper and Misl. I was juggling too much, but I wasn’t making progress with any of them anyway. Well, Mets was improving greatly, but it was too late. The feelings were no longer there. He keeps texting me. I delete them.
And I’m a little afraid to go on YIM. I know I could get ‘a lil somethin’ off of there, but being that Jeff messaged me the other night I am a little hesitant. He will test the waters and then jump ship. No matter how many ways it is explained to him that my marriage was over well before our first ‘accidental kiss’ and ensuing years of ‘mad sex’, he didn’t do it. The marriage had already been dead on the table.
Ok, off to laundry. Dress up day at work tomm! Fun wow!
Ok, so I put in the laundry. I tell him I like the movie and we chat shortly about it. And, of course, I go right back upstairs.
And sometimes I am extremely mushy, so I will insert song lyrics every so often:
“And I'd give up forever to touch you
Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest thing to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now
And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
Cause sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight
And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am”
See, at the drop of a hat, and there will be more. And pictures too I bet.
I plan this to be a real blog. I am not blogging to my own comp for no reason.
If there wasn’t so much silence and nothing happening, most days, it could be a movie. But that is not possible, so a blog. I guess. And I’m still looking for that perfect blog site..just growing but I know it will get big. I am not going to fight through Myspace or blog.com. No fucking way.
And A Happy April 5th! (Thursday)
Didn’t think I’d be writing so soon. When I got home today, the side door was wide open. That can spell disaster for the cats. I remember closing it fully and checking it when I left this morning. Apparently Satch had gone out and left it open at some point. My first step is to shake a box of cat food and call for them. Jasmine went upstairs, I went into the basement. I’m glad it was me who went into the basement. Of course the happy lovebirds are all snug in their bed. How, I’m not sure, with a wide open door about 12 ft from their heads- it’s about 30 degrees out with high winds. So I go running around the basement shaking the cat food box and calling out for cats. I go back upstairs. All the cats were found, in the house. So, I am thankful for that.
I tried to tell him that it was his responsibility to tell her the door may need to be checked to see if it is shut right. He said it wasn’t his place. For real! It’s his guest, it’s his fault and his responsibility to tell her. We all know who is more important- them or the cats? Yep, the cats.
Another day in paradise. I will soon lose my F-ing mind.
April 7, 2007
Shopped all day for Easter. Broadway Market. Eastern Hills for Jasmine’s picture with the Easter Bunny. I stopped by my work because I won a chocolate bunny. Went to a meat market on broadway for the corned beef—perfect and a low price. Several other stores for odds and ends. J's easter dress is lovely. Drove from about 12:30 pm till about 5.
He didn’t come home last night and is still not here. Maybe to work on the car? He never said when he was going.
I would give him everything if he could continue on how this was supposed to go. I have explained this in depth and it is not gonna happen. When we are around my friends or out together, I am the one. That, in the future, that he might share my bed and contribute to the house. An extra 19 yr old on the side, perfectly ok and for myself to. But , I don’t think I can weave this. Whatever I have tried with him always fails, from the tried and true to the brand new idea. I will think on this.
April 10th, 2007
Well, he had been away getting his car worked on. He came home Sunday night. He had mentioned going, but didn’t really say when or how long. My mistake.
He thought the easter basket was cute. He talked about the transmission problem with his car. He needs a new kit, but car still working.
Of course, he went right downstairs.
Last night, he was on the comp when I got home from work. I needed to do a few things, so eventually, he left the comp. I attempted small talk, actually came in here and plopped myself down. But he went downstairs. I went to bed early. I got up in the night for something to drink, maybe 3:30am. He was still on the comp. Didn’t say a word.
When I got home from work today, he came in about 5 minutes later. I was straightening up the kitchen. Karena follows right behind him. He takes a bag of garbage out for me and they both go right downstairs.
I am not getting friendship. I am not getting imtimacy. I certainly am not getting any rent.
Most people would say I am nuts. Just fucking bonkers.
I won’t be able to ‘keep my cool’ for much longer.
I think next time, by this weekend if nothing ha changed, I will have to have my mom here ad Michael. They can remove him and I can go out. The only way it will work.
About 7:30 pm….
This hurts. But tihs is much more than that. I am being used. I am being lied to and he is buying time.
He drove her home and then went right downstairs.
April 11, 2007
I’m waiting for a virus scan so I thought I should write. Worked till 8:15 today, it’s Wednesday. Got home, he was on the comp. I did dishes. He came in and asked me if I knew who James Spader was. Yes. He said he found a movie I might like “The Secretary”. Well, of course I’ve seen it. A couple of times. So he knows what I like. Thanks for providing a movie for it. I don’t want to watch this type of behavior, I want to do some of it. Duh. He then said he would have to download other stuff and, of course, went right downstairs.
He is a drain on everything. My house. My emotions. And is contributing shit. There is no more room for clothes to be brought upstairs. I have to put some away. But he is cleaning nothing else, just using my comp. I wonder if he read the cleaning instructions on the fridge or just looked a the silly drawings. I really wouldn’t even notice the cleaning if I wasn’t so ignored. OMG, he needs a life and I need him out of mine. This is just silly.
Friday April 13, 2007
It was a good day at work. Think because it’s Friday the 13th. Repo guys take more chances. Got a lot of cars picked up.
Well, last night, I came home and did some dishes, he was on the comp. My sinuses wee bothering me, so I went to the couch to watch tv. Of course, he never even said hello. There is like 6 feet between the kitchen and the office. I also went to the bathroom multiple times, the bathroom being right next to the office. Not a word. I came into the office right before bed and got my phone charger. I actually said “I just need my phone charger.” He mumbled, and it wasn’t ‘hi’. It was kinda like ‘mmhmm’ or something otherwise unintelligible. Got home at 5pm, wet to bed at midnight. Not a fucking word from him.
When I got home today, he s in the basement. Not sure if K was here then, but I’m pretty sure she is now. While I was on the phone with my mom-mainly argueing with her and her bf, Satch came in the office, sort of pointed at an empty 12 of labatt light and pointed at a full one. To indicate mainly that there was beer. WOW. Should I jump for joy? He went back downstairs.
And it keeps going through my mind “I think of you when I’m with her.” Not only is that not true, it is impossible. He would have nothing to think about, he is never with me. He meant that to ‘get me’ somehow, but he miscalculated. He way over did it. One simple phrase that jerked my mind back to reality. Hat he was playing me and he overplayed it. To the point that it showed so badly and so shabbily.
Saturday, April 14th
I had to work for a few hours this morn and then go run a quick MTG tournament at UB. When I was getting ready for work, ran into K when I was coming out of the bathroom. Of course I say “HI” in my brightest voice. It’s only polite. What I was thinking, actually, was “Nappy-headed ho.” LMAO. Not kidding. That is what went through my mind. It’s not fair, but that’s what I thought.
When I got home. I put away groceries and then went on the comp. K still here, she went to the bathroom and back downstairs.
Satch comes into the office a bit later. Pointing out the beer he had pointed out last night. Then goes on to discuss what might be better to drink, mainly for me to drink. Or not drink. Or drink less of. My life is so crazy here, I am drinking more, just to keep myself calm. I want to do very little but play with the comp and dull my thought processes.
A Little Later On…
I put together the note I wrote yesterday and some of my log entries into one file and printed it out and put it on his table downstairs after he took karena home.
When he came up I was going over the Buffalo Girls script and writing a song for it. He comes in, yells something about me being a drama queen and throws the p
apers in the air. I mean, really whips them I the air. I’m thinking , no, here is the drama queen. All he needed was high heels, lol.
I got a bunch of circular arguments out of him, but I think some truths as well. He is still pretty good at making fallacious arguments, but I think I pushed him hard enough to get a few grains of truth. I don’t expect a big change.
The only good thing that could have come out of it is that I was more fully able to articulate my feelings. Whether he cares or not or it even works with him, it will help me in the future. Of course I hope it helps with him, but my hopes are low on that. I have pushed past a lot of barriers in being afraid to say how I feel. Whether it will be relevant here or not, I’m not sure.
In the middle of yelling and/or being bitchy, he kissed me. It’s an odd thing that he does, but I liked it. What is the sense in denying it? That is kinda neat and he probably knows it is. Plus for each side, but I AM NOT keeping score, that was for description purposes only.
Terry will be here soon. I have to change.
4/18/07
Holy Fuck! Satch was I my bedroom at 5am and it wasn’t for a good reason. Yeah, it has always taken something horrible for him to come to my room and wake me up, but that is another issue.
Here was a tow truck and a Kenmore police officer in my driveway to reposess his car. I do this for a living and can do it ‘backwards’ too, as in stopping it, but I was groggy and had taken ambient at 9:30 last night. Thought the car was paid off. Satch has clear title. I assumed he would call the bank during business hours. I talked to the repo guy (not a company Chrysler uses, so I had no pull) and the cop. No dice. Later, my boss said I should have asked them to drop the car and leave private property, since they had no replevin, but I was too tired to really think that straight.
I get home and satch won’t talk about it. He says he believes the car was paid off. That no, he hasn’t yet called the bank and he thinks it has something to do with E ‘knowing people’ at the bank’. Makes no sense. He refused to talk about it further.
I told him I worried about it all day. I felt bad that I wasn’t more effective when it happened and that I told my boss about it. Sacth goes into the performance of utorrent, that it is working properly now, that I “must trust him on these things” and that it wasn’t his “precious game”. I say I never said it was his game and he says he knows that and I’m not listening. WTF???
He then says he has thought about everything I have said over the past 2 weeks. I assume he came to some conclusion. I can’t fucking imagine what. Then he hugs me. I‘m not sure if it’s because he is upset his car is gone or what. I don’t have any idea of what to say. So I say “I am sorry your car is gone.”
He goes downstairs. I do call down that I vin-chkd the car today at work, he has the newest clear title. I put the phone number for Wachovia on his desk. I say “Fine, don’t call it if you don’t want your car back”.
He probably blames me because I ever talked to E. But, that doesn’t get a car repossessed. Furthermore, he hears me ramble on about why I cant’t get some cars. They are behind a fence or in a garage and it needs a court order to get them. If he felt it was a risk that his car would be taken, I would have bought the missing part of the driveway fence. It’s what I do for a living and if he wasn’t straight with me, I don’t know what to tell him.
I think he just went out. I might have let him borrow my car, but with me in it. I am way too paranoid about it. He will need to drive somewhere eventually.
4-19-07 Thursday
Now I got a sullen guy in my basement with no car and no money. Now he can’t leave and he can’t pick up K. Most people would think that I would think the ‘can’t pick up K’ part is a good thing. OH NO. He will just be more sullen.
He says he will ‘get a motorcycle’. How is a question that begs an answer, but I won’t ask it.
He might blame me for all this. But I won’t take the blame. He knows enough that if he had to hide the car to ask me how to do it, if there was a risk. No way I could have forseen a ‘paid for’ vehicle being repo’d. No way I was to know E was so crazy, if, indeed, she did this. It is more logical the car wasn’t paid off and the bank did it. Single people can’t have cars repo’d that are paid off.
If he continues to ignore me he will have no place to live, either.
4-20-07 Friday
Had a half day at work. Sach wanted to go to Tops, so I offered to take him on my way round from picking jasmine up from the Y. Watched the Sabres game a while after I got home. He came up to pick out a wineglass from the china cabinet. And that’s it.
Messaged him my ‘plain ass shit’ poem, lmao.
Things must change. This is nuts. Maybe after I take Jasmine to my mom’s tomm I can try again. But that’s the last time.
4-23-07 Monday
No real changes. On Saturday I put together the kitchen island/table. He did put the stools together. He had come up and sat on the couch to watch House to begin with. Surprised he came out of his cave.
Course, on Sunday, I took out the garbage and the recycling. This afternoon I took the containers back to the yard in the pouring rain.
He did come up and talk about repairing the mud ditches that are on each side of the yard. I had already thought of filling them with dirt and putting down grass seed. He first said ‘that tragedy in the backyard’. I thought he meant the pool. That is the big problem. The ditches are 2nd to me. Maybe even more after doing dishes or washing the kitchen floor or vacuuming. He says “I beat him to vacuuming”. I think I always will. As well as everything else.
I have totally lost control of this. Nan was all ready to remove him on Sunday. I said no. Because there is something wrong with my head in this situation.
I cried myself to sleep last night. Part frustration. Part being ignored. Part knowing I have lost control of this.
Of course my phone, and his, is about to be shut off. He promised “I will always pay it on time”. He gave me $50 when we first got his phone. His bill is $65 a month, the activation was $35. That left $15 towards his first bill . His first bill was $65.95 including activation since he started in the middle of a month. That was 1/9-2/18. His second bill was $61.80 for 2/19-3/18. The 3/19-4/18 has been de since 4/14.
I paid as much as I could. Total bill for both phones is under $100 right now, but it’s all past due. They will shut it off. I have no more money now.
He promised he would watch it on the net billing and pay it on time all the time. Silly me.
He eventually came upstairs to use the bathroom. I stopped him and said “Phone bill”. He said “Thursday” and thought he had the idea it would be several days before the phones would be shut off. He doesn’t know T-mobile though. He gave excuses and I said it wasn’t my problem. More long and drawn out than that, but mainly that. I said “Fuck you”. And here’s the ridiculous part. He says Something like I can’t say that until I actually “fuck him” or something along those lines. I asked him to repeat it, so I was sure of what he said. It’s probably the second time in a week my mind snapped a little. First it was my boss not allowing me to stand up and then this.
Of course I lost it. He made circular arguments. It’s a mess after that. Here comes the FAMOUS HUG. He also says he will come to my bedroom. He talks about my ‘boy toys’, but there haven’t been any. I explain Terry, which I think I have before. We go into the car repossession thing, which really goes nowhere.
I believe I have been duped again. I tell him I have only waited for him everyday, hoping one day it would be convenient for him. That he would want it. He says I should prove that. He asks when I go to bed. He knows it’s around 12. But he says he thinks it’s between 10pm and 2am. He says I will see him around 1am. He says he will test this ‘open door policy’ I have.
I shower. I pick something small to wear. I clean up my room. I go to bed about 11:30. I wait. I doze off a few times, but I wait. 1am. I wait. 1:30am. I wait. 2am, I doze off for about an hour. 3am, I wait. 4am, I come downstairs for some soda. He is at the comp. Not a word. I go back upstairs and wait. 5:30 am I go back downstairs. He’s gone to sleep.
I’ve had no sleep so I move my hours around at work a little. I tell Jasmine to sleep in. I have to sleep for awhile.
4-26-07 Thursday
In regard to the other day, later, I thought he meant the opposite, that I should go to his room and that I misunderstood.
That night, after work, I asked him. No, I wasn’t mistaken. He said that since we had argued, about sundry things, he started to feel as if ‘going upstairs’ would be kind of like ‘singing for his supper’.
That he made the attempt, twice, and changed his mind. WOW.
I was PISSED. Course, when I get pissed, I end up crying.
He went downstairs. I sat at the top of the stairs for a bit, trying to get my thoughts together and words to say.. I had my PJs and my purse, ready to go upstairs. Somwhow, he though I might be planning to go to the store for beer, lol. Way too late. Didn’t want anymore. But he took my purse and hung it on a hook anyway, lol.
I tried to say I didn’t know it would go this way. Said something about how long I had waited the night he was supposed to come up to my room, and I fled. Yes, ‘fled’ is the word, lol I even shut the useless kitchen door on him.
I gathered whatever else I needed to go upstairs.
After I got up to my room, he knocked.
I tried to explain, as well as I could, and I couldn’t do any better today, I don’t think, that I had doe stupid things. That I cared about him far more than I had been able to get across, nor thought was prudent to get across. Not appropriate. He held me, sitting behind me, as I talked.
We then had sex. It is good sex with him, again, hard, memorable. But, too fast starting for me to be ready and not any clitoral stimulation, not enough for me to cum. Not near enough. Not enough kissing, but I wasn’t going to push that issue. My mouth was a little dry anyway and I kept going for my bottle of water.
I liked how he said “The way you are playing with my hair is making my dick hard.” That was a first. Lol.
He laid with me after, but was gone in the morning when I woke up. That was Tuesday night.
Last night, I was tired, been a long week. Watched tv. Went to bed at a reasonable hour. Satch was on the comp. Terry was to come over at 5am. I do not enjoy that timing schedule, but dkviper was supposed to come over to work on his work project. Needs the wireless connection. He didn’t end up doing that last night, I told him no. Didn’t want him sleeping on the couch and terry knocking at 5am. Too much.
The issue I think about now is Satch going into the Army. Didn’t know it would go so fast. He text messaged me today that he might need a ride to the recruiter. Ended up the recruiter picked him up. His physical is Saturday,
Was never really sure how serous he was about it, though I knew he was ‘talking to a recruiter’, a lot of people are. I remember him saying he knows ‘he isn’t being bulshitted’. But not being bullshitted by these people can eventually get you injured or worse later on. I don’t want to think about this.
Saturday April 28, 2007
Well, shooting went awesome at the dance studio for my long scene!
I had James take me home before they were done with scenes I wasn’t in so I could get my bedroom ready for the opening montage.
I had left my car keys behind because satch said he needed to use my car around dinnertime and I didn’t know when I would be back. Got back about 4pm, but the car was gone.
This had crossed my mind before. I think I kind of knew. But thought it too ridiculous to imagaine.
The car was already gone when I got here, as I say. So I had James take me to the store. When I returned, the car was back.
Satch comes back and says “K is here, wanted to give you a heads up and we’re going to go get something to eat in awhile.”
I held my composure. Satch standing there. James standing there. I simply asked Satch how the physical went.
I wanted to FUCKING scream. He used my car to go pick HER up. It is wrong on so many levels. I might have wanted to see him when he got back, spent time with him tonight. But that is way besides the point. HE USED MY CAR TO GO PICK HER UP.
WTF??????????????????????????????????????????
Shit, I gotta go get my clothes to change for my scene and get my room ready.
Wednesday May 2nd
The changes in his personality are so up and down, I never know what to expect.
On Tuesday night, we talked while he played his game. I massaged his shoulders. We eventually went downstairs. And it was good.
The next day, I took off work. Was a little worn out and had been up really late.
He is up in the computer room by about 3:30, I think. He never even says hi to me in my own home, I hate that.
At some point, Jasmine comes to me and says ‘satch told me to go upstairs’. I’m thinking she misheard. I went and asked him. He said she had been singing and making noise and ‘hovering’ near the doorway to the office, thereby bothering him. I told him he couldn’t do that. He says, ‘well there’s only here, upstairs or in the living room with you’. I reiterated “You can’t send her to her room”.
Later on, it appears, Satch finds gum in the bottle of wine he left next to the comp. There was about 2 inches left in it. Even an adult would have thought it was old. Jasmine deposited her finished gum in it when she was at the comp earlier. He comes into the living room (I’m glad Jasmine was elsewhere at the moment). He says “ You’re fuckin kid put something in here. I’m glad I didn’t drink it. Deal with this shit now.” And he goes back into the office. I was temporarily stunned. First I fished out of the bottle whatever it was. At first, it looked like a piece of cork. No, it was gum.
First I went to Jasmine and asked her why she would do that. It was just as I suspected. An accident, she didn’t know it wasn’t old and she used it to get rid of her gum.
I then went to him. I told him “She’s 10 yrs old and it was gum” He goes on about “There’s no excuse for that behavior and that he doesn’t see me doing anything about it.” I tell him that it’s not his business what I do about it, that he doesn’t even have to see what I do about it. I tell him he can never, ever talk to me that way. I repeat myself, since he isn’t responding. He says something like “Fine, over”. As if he is lord and master of when I stop talking. I walked out of the room, calling him a fucking asshole.
He just crossed a really big line. And I don’t think he even knows.
About 9:30pm….
Of course…he just doesn’t get it.
I worked till 8:30, stopped at my mom’s and came home. I’d been at work since 9:30 am, so he should have had a chance to think. Or possibly even do a dish. No dice.
He came upstairs, he had been on the comp, there was a paused video there. I was washing dishes.
He says “I can’t find my keys.”
Gee, that doesn’t sound like “Hi.”
I don’t answer.
He mumbles something. I did say ‘what?’
He says “They were in my pocket’
I don’t answer.
He comes back upstairs, a moment ago. He puts down a dollar bill and shows he has taken one of my beers. He then sort of bends down an kind of kisses my neck. Briefly and sort of.
I say “That doesn’t sound like ‘hi’ or anything else.
He says something about me being warm and then “Hi”
I say ‘Hi’. He goes back downstairs.
I’m not done with this. He can’t fix these things so easily anymore.
May 4th 2007
I did finally ask him last night to apologize. He had ignored the notes I left on his desktop.
He came into the living room and asked how I liked wine bottles to be recycled and I said they go to the curb in the recycling bin.
I said “Can I ask you a question?”
He said “Will it piss me off?”
I said “I don’t think so, I don’t know.”
He said , “Well, I would err on the side of caution if I were you.”
What a nut!!!!
Anyway, I asked him if he had read the note on the desktop and if he would apologize. He said he would for being rude.
I said, no, specifically for how he had referred to Jasmine.
He said he had been pissed off, it wasn’t specifically toward jasmine but could have been “Your fucking car, my fucking computer…” and so on. He said it was my emotions talking. But, is there anything more important when asking for an apology? I think not. I noted it was because it disturbed me so much. He apologized for being rude, but he did walk away.
He doesn’t get it.
He came up to me after work today when I was on the comp.He did that hugging from behind thing again. He asked if I was better. Better. Hmm. I said yes, but I wasn’t all that better.
It makes me tired to be angry at him, but he just doesn’t seem to comprehend.
He could be doing things for me in the house while I am at work, he isn’t. He could be screwing me more, he isn’t.
My mom and Nan constantly ask what I am doing with him. I try to explain to Nan. My mom, lately, I have said it’s none of her business.
But then I start to wonder, why? What? And things like “find the vacuum asshole!”
Oh well, time for sleep.
Saturday, May 12th, 2007
In the past couple days, he did mow the lawn and do the dishes. He is still not even close to following the cleaning list on the fridge and still is not working, outside of here, at all.
I allowed him to take my car to pick up k, again. I must be insane. In fact, I know it now. How I will deal with it I don’t know.
Monday, May 14th, 2007
Well, he mowed the lawn. A move in the right direction. He also tried to take the mower apart first, not a good thing, but the lawn is mowed. However, I asked him to look, again, at the list on the fridge. He said he would, but so far, no results.
Today, when I cam home, he walked by me twice before he even said anything The time, while I was straightening up the kitchen was about Time Warner, they have been up and down for a couple days, so he was calling them. Rule about saying ‘hello’ broken.
He did go outside and help Jasmine with her bike chain.
However, he did also lecture me about child rearing and what I do with my finances. Childless people and people with no bills (except possibly a monthly online gaming bill) have no place to do that. I don’t even see a lot of bills in the past in his name. Silly people with all the answers, they think.
Truthfully, I don’t even want him anymore. It’s too much of an effort. In the end, eventually, I might end up with straight intercourse, hard as it may be and him clumsily poking at my clit if I am lucky. That is just not something to look forward to. It was nice just to be close to him, as I have said in the pas, but it’s not worth the effort anymore.
Well, Nan gave me until June 1 to get rid of him. I don’t follow ANYONE’S guidelines, in these matters, but the time is likely soon. I need someone here that helps more and can fulfill me in other ways more. Sadly, that is not Satch. Oh well. I can find another.
About 1am, about to go to sleep
Haven’t been ‘with him’ since May 2nd. Today is the 15th. He obviously doesn’t want it.
He’s got to go.
May 16th, 2007
He’s been in the basement since I got home. He did ask for the info to give money to Time Warner yesterday, I gave it to him, but no change as far as I can see and the phone money was due 2 days ago.
The first time I went down, to clean up, I said Hi. He never says it first. The second time, nothing. The thid time I reminded him to fill in the ditches on the side of the driveway, which he offered to do some time ago. His car made one of them. I bought the potting soil over a week ago. I twisted my ankle in one of them tonight. He said ok, and that’s it.
He did nail the front step railing back in yesterday as I asked, but still nothing from the list on the fridge. He is here all day long, every day, on the comp and doing much of nothing.
I will hold through the con I imagine. I spent so much time getting money from Terry for it. It would all be a waste if I didn’t.
About 2:10 am
I am trying to be more patient with everyone in my life. I can bitch in writing, but in real life, it is not helping.
I am the only person that bought P- my boss- a wrapped present on his birthday, the very thing he asked for and got a card to pass around. No matter what fight we get into, he sees I am the only one that buys him a present. I fight with P at work, but he is my friend, we have been through a lot together in the business.
I am trying so hard with Jasmine. She forgot her swim stuff for the Y and I dropped it off at her school on the way to work. She remembers little things. She is hard to figure out, but I think I am getting it. Out of any person in the universe, I want her to be happy and at the same time, teach her respect and love and a love for learning. I can’t be too harsh and I can’t be too soft. And I must remember, everyday, the little things she thinks about.
I do what I can for my friends. I have so many, I tr to sped a little time with each.
I want to do more for Mia, when I can.
I want to do more for Tray, when I can.
Satch, I already do too much for. But he’s here for a reason. The goddess puts one on a path. I won’t let myself get walked on, but there is no reason to be unhappy with him all the time. If he stays and it gets better , it does. If not, one can’t say I didn’t try.
“I loved deeper
and I spoke sweeter
and gave forgiveness
I’d been denying.”
One day I hope everyone gets the chance, to
Live like they were dying.
5/17/07
This is no longer just the ‘S’ blog. I need to be just practicing to blog and no one wants to read about just him. I don’t to write about just him.
I tried the hardest to make something of it. Something I was comfortable with. The bare minimum of a friendship with sex. And on a regular basis sex. And regular help in the house. But I guess reached too high, for him anyway. He never said hi to me today. He asked where I was going when I went to the store, said he might have to ‘go pick something up’. But that’s it.
I will just leave everything alone. I have been leaving everything alone. Maybe someday someone will wonder where it all went. It got it’s own box and a little label and a lock and got put away in my brain. That’s where it went.
5/18/07
There was $100 next to the comp this morn, but I never saw the note, so I didn’t take it. It was for the phone/comp. I imagine he expects it to go for about 2 months of phone, not sure, but he knew the net was in danger of being cut off. He wasn’t too specific about the money allocation.
He filled in one of the ditches on the side of the driveway. Looks nice.
Progress, but still ignoring the cleaning list and ME.
He came up first tonight to say something about the money anf then later when the power strip died and I freaked out over it.
He’s here, but not here.
I talked to him about the con a bit.
That’s it.
I could pay a teenager in the neighborhood to fix the ditches.
I’ve been reduced to meeting a guy on craig’slist and sending an email to one on plentyoffish. I should’t need to be doing that for sex. Well, the guy on plentyoffish is for more than that, but still. I wanted a break from coming the net for someone suitable.
He can say that it isn’t that he isn’t attracted to me until he is blue in the face, but it’s just such bullshit.
Could have sex every night. Multiple times in one night. During days I am free. But Nooooo. I am one of the most wanted girls in the county and am not having it. Because I wait for one who is not moving.
I need to spend more time on my group. 1215 people, mainly
Guys and they all want me. Gotta go search though the membership. I can’t handle this anymore.
Well, tomorrow after the game will likely be Erik. Thank god. I was able to schedule something fun. For once. Spumante. Music. Karaoke. A couple hours of flirting/talking. He understands that if a guy has my clothes off within 15 minutes of kissing me, it’s over for me. The moment is gone, as they say. Engine not warmed up enough. Won’t lie through another orgasm just to move it along or not offend someone.
Thought I had learned that long ago, but Satch got me into that bad habit again.
Can make the right sonds and squeezing of the ‘nether muscles’ is a nice touch. But never again. I hadn’t done that since college. And Michael. And that whole mess is reminding me of this one.
Sal still wants to kill Michael, but was always torn. I was Sal’s best friend and so was Michael. Michael was worse, though. He lied and couldn’t keep his pants on. At least Satch is so honest and open that this isn’t ‘anything’. Just to stuff me every so often (though it’s been quite awhile). Isn’t honesty lovely? No, it’s just as bad.
Crazinss runs in Michael’s family, maybe he had an excuse. He is Michael D’..... and his uncle is the infamous Judge D’...... Maybe not his fault. While I was in a relationship with Michael, he screwed his high school ex, the girl who worked down the hall at ECC, his cousin also my friend Michelle, who didn’t know I was going out with him. Michelle learning of this, smacked him and never saw him again, but what was done was done. The worst was Marcy. That backstabbing little bitch. I got her into every club at ECC. She stole drama club president away from me after 3 years and then screwed Michael at the Leadership banquet that I had worked on and organized for months. I hope she dies in a burning vat of oil. Literally.
There have been few guys I have broken up with on my own or just had one or 2 dates with and decided they weren’t for me. Every other last fucking one has screwed me over.
Every long term relationship, I have been royally screwed after doing everything possible to stop it from happening. Down to reading books about better communication. Haven’t been too clingy nor too cold. Haven’t been too this or too that. Followed every common sense way and everything I have read about having a good relationship. Zero has worked.
I worked hard on Pete (all of high school), Rob, Michael, Dorian, Rock, Big Bri (6’7” lol). My ex husband, Jeff M., Jeff J., Bruce. A myriad of others that didn’t last long enough to even work on a relationship or even remember too well. I’m so tired of it.
But I have to keep going.
5/21/07 Monday
Satch. Never says hi when I come home. Not looking at the cleaning list. He came upstairs when his wireless connection wasn’t right.
He says he wants to run cable downstairs. If he wants to, I tell him how it needs to be done, he argues. It’s just gonna kinda ‘go down the stairs, laying to the side”. I say no. He acts like he will do it anyway.
He says all the cords leading to the comp are a mess. I tell him then he should be handling that stuff. He says not until I clean this room. Huh? Most of the clutter is on the opposite side of the room. He says he wont’t do it.
He’s getting a little cocky for someone her on my good graces.
And he pays no attention to me otherwise.
I will get to this problem soon.
5/23/07 Wednesday
It was bonus day today. I am tired of getting just above the minimum. They hired 2 ore people in skip, less files for me, almost impossible to hit 10k in fees. My little ck. After taxes, was $244 and I was od at the bank by about $35. More bills came this week that normally in one week,
I had already spent extra time with Terry this month to get $300 towards the trip, but sank most of it into utilities and such. I asked him for another $100. That is towards next month, he said yes.
He’s on his way over. Gonna try to down a couple of glasses of champagne first. Makes it so much easier.
Gonna cost over $400 canadian for the weekend. Have $100 coming from terry tonight, have $120 socked away and about $200 in the bank. That’s if I don’t get another od bring me down to about $170 in the bank. Will leave me with little till I get pd on the first. Can’t remember when I promised the rest of the car payment/mortgage or how much of the electric bill is left.
But, get child support Monday and get pd and rent on the first. All bills must wait till the 1st. Even rent a center I think. Let rent a center sue me then, lol.
Maybe I shouldn’t have done all this. But wanted so much for Satch to go. At least my membership is only $20 cdn and my food is free and getting gas money.
Sunday, May 27th 5:35 pm
Well, none of this went well.
1) The bank held the hotel money in US dollars, called the bank, they say it won’t convert until the charge goes through in a few days. That was to be my cash for satch’s membership, more gas and some spending money. My bank balance says about $, but it will be about $75 US in a couple days.
At first I had just forgotten – sal dragged me off to count heads right away.Had I grabbed it from the ATM before going to the hotel, it would have been fine. Satch later said it didn’t matter.
2) Satch spent every moment pointing out girls on the street, in cars, on billboards, on tv. Wherever. More than any guy I have ever seen. He knows my ideas on that. To please just act like he’s with me around my friends.